22 ways out of common sexual dysfunction (2)

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Funmi Akingbade

Thirteen … Hysterectomy which is a surgical removal of the female reproductive organ, has an effect on the woman’s sexual function. This is because the hormonal changes associated with the removal of the ovaries during this surgical operation may result in loss of desire, decreased vaginal lubrication and genital sensation. Nerves and blood vessels linked to sexual functioning may also be damaged during the surgery. Finally, some women may become depressed or feel a loss of self-esteem when their uterus is removed. That may make it hard for them to engage sexually following the procedure. There are three types of this surgery; we have subtotal or partial, this is when the body of the uterus is removed. We also have total; this is when the body of the uterus and the cervix is removed. We also have the radical; this is when the whole body of the uterus with the cervix and part of the vagina and some part of the fallopian tubes and the ovaries are removed.

Fourteen … The menopausal stages in women also affect their sexual function and may lead to sexual dysfunction. This is because menopause and the associated loss of estrogen can affect women’s sexual function such as a loss of vaginal lubrication and genital sensation. Other emotional aspects of menopause may contribute to a loss of interest in sex or  inability to become aroused. However, many postmenopausal women have increased sexual satisfaction. This is thought to be due to less anxiety about getting pregnant or having the time to relax and enjoy being intimate with their partners.

Fifteen … When it comes to sexual dysfunction in men, we cannot over-emphasise the issue of premature ejaculation, weak ejaculation, quick ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, loss of libido and low testosterone. But my emphasis today is more on the perception of sexual performance in men than the organ of sexuality or the functionality.  In the movies, sex always looks great. But if you’re like a lot of married men, sex may not be as good as you think it could be. You might feel anxiety, concerns about your performance, or even self-consciousness about your body. No matter what the scenario, it just feels like you’re not having sex as often as everyone else. Sex therapists found out that young men think about sex about 19 times per day (as compared to young women who think about it 10 times daily). Despite it being on men’s minds much of the time, many married men still remain confused about what great sex is and how to have it. Men face both mental barriers and physical barriers to great sex. They may be plagued with self-doubt and cling to myths and wrong perception of sex.

Sixteen … “Great sex is actually in the eye of the beholder or the be-hander,” For some married men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their wives. While for other husbands, it might mean being able to last for close to 15 minutes. But being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your wife and if more of emotional intimacy is developed between husband and their wives, many of these challenges disappear.

Seventeen … So, husbands remember to employ a good pillow talk when you desire a good sex; it is important. Aside from kissing and other sexual activities, talk with your wife about what you want and tell your wife what you know they also will want and like. It’s about being open and trusting. If you get to know yourself and your wife, you’ll have a much more erotic and explosive sexual relationship.

Eighteen … Never, never and never compare your sex life with pornography. Unfortunately, many husbands may learn a lot of what they know about sex from pornography. The problem with that is women and men who appear in porn are often in great physical shape. Both women and men are well-endowed which can create unrealistic expectations and it is never an ideal scenario at all. They are under the influence of drugs and the scrutinising eyes of the instructor and cameras. One of the most destructive myths of porn is that it convinces so many husbands that their penis is too small, but they forget that pornography is self-selecting… These are not average men. They’re the extreme end of the scale.

Nineteen … Other myths many husbands learn from pornography include the idea that women are always ready for sex; that the same moves work on every other woman including their wives all the time, and that sex always ends in orgasm. Watching pornography and using it as an ideal sex standard is like watching a car chase in an action movie. It’s exciting. It’s entertaining. But everyone knows it’s not the way to drive.

Twenty …  If husbands can focus on achieving pleasurable sensations, sex will be great, the fact is stress, anxiety and distractions can lead to less satisfying sex. Leave the stress of the job at work and minimise your anxiety about your performance. This focus is a technique ranging from eye-gazing to massage and synchronised breathing that help keep the man in the moment. I need husbands to remember that great sex happens in the present. It doesn’t happen in the future, like worrying about how quickly you’re going to ejaculate or climax etc; it is in the future.

Twenty-one … Husbands, please don’t forget to talk to your wives. Lots of wives are very responsive to a man’s voice during lovemaking. If a husband has good verbal facility and can entice his wife through his voice, that can become a powerful part of his repertoire on sex bed.

Twenty-two … Lastly, it may sound mundane to schedule sex, but it can actually make it more relaxing with both spouses, to having more realistic expectations. “There’s this powerful mythology that says you should fall into each other’s arms spontaneously, with string music playing and the sun setting in the West, and if that doesn’t happen, there’s something wrong with you. But I have discovered that real life doesn’t work that way. Scheduling sex can also eliminate conflict over desire differences and remove the pressure to perform. I have heard many couples say, ‘What if I’m not in the mood?’ Well, one of the things about relationships is that you sometimes make compromises. But what astonishes people once they start scheduling sex is that they can actually enjoy it.

 Questions and answers

What’s the usual age for a first erection?

My six years old is always having frequent erection, especially in the morning. I am worried and don’t know what to do.

Mr. Eerie Akpan

As a matter of fact, some boys are born with erections while in the uterus; ultrasounds normally show that babies can have erection right from the womb. So, boys get erection when they are under age one or younger than that. But it is typically very obvious when they get to their early teens; that is when the sex hormone testosterone is very active. But when a six-year-old has erection, it may not be a reason for alarm if it occasionally happens early in the morning, when he bathes or touches the penis area. But when it becomes a too frequent occurrence accompanied with pains it’s turgid and does not subside, it is better to take the boy to the family doctor. Normal morning erections last longer till men get to adulthood. And it is natural for men to wake up with “morning wood, morning glory, and morning fall.” Men usually have three to five erections each night, often while they dream. We don’t know why they happen, but they might help keep the penis healthy.

Are breast sizes equal and is it possible for one to have extra nipples?

I have a big problem. My two breasts are not only unequal but I have extra nipples on my left breast, full of hair around it. This has made me not to accept any relationship proposal from any man. I cannot even have my bath when others are in the bathroom; neither can I dress up in the presence of others. I am afraid of surgery. What can I do please?

 Simisola Tomomere

When you take nipple size and breast shape into account, a huge 88 per cent of women report difference in size; so both breasts may not be the same size. 44 per cent of women said one breast is smaller than the other. Strange as it may sound, some people have more than two nipples. About one per cent of women get them, and twice as many men. But they’re often smaller than other nipples, so there might not be a reason for you to worry. They show up at birth, usually along the body’s “milk line” somewhere between shoulders and legs. It’s rare, but they can form on other parts of the body, including the forehead and foot. I think this cannot prevent you entering into a meaningful relationship. I would rather suggest you date someone who really loves you; accepts you the way you are and who is worthy of your trust. Hair around your nipple is not an uncommon thing.  It’s normal to have a few small hairs on the areolae, or the dark skin around the nipple. If it bothers you, clip it with small scissors but do not pluck or shave it because it can cause ingrown hairs and infection.

 I can’t get my penis up

I am very healthy and fit and I’ve been sexually active since I was 15. Now, I am in my early 30s, I do a regular medical check-up every four months but shamefully, I have lost count of women who refuse to put up with me all because I or they can’t get my penis up. During sex, I will have to hold my penis down and tight with my fingers like a ring just to make it strong enough for erection. Are there other reasons penis can’t get it up Help, I am dying gradually.

Owen Peters

 Sometimes when a man has serial sexual partners, there may be the possibility of being intimidated, especially when he is overwhelmed with the feeling that he needs to perform a little more than usual. This is a major reason why you may lose erection as a healthy man. If you’ve been drinking heavily, there’s a good chance your penis might not be able to perform. Besides, online porn is probably the greatest hidden contributor to bedroom ED because of overuse or over-indulgence. If you are the type that is addicted to porn and masturbating several times a day, however healthy you maybe, you may likely end up not having erection. Is your mind clouded with issues of life or something is troubling you or you are feeling guilty about something? This aspect of mental instability paralyses a man more than anything else regardless of the high state of wellbeing.

Will my sexual desires change during pregnancy?

I am a newly wed and one of my husband’s usual statements is that he does not only love sex but will be making love to me even while I am pregnant to the last stage of delivery which is okay by me. But my fear of his obsession is that supposing my sexual desire changes during pregnancy, does that mean he will be unfaithful? He has actually threatened that if I am not very responsive, he will have to seek for sex anyhow.

Tricia Seiseiko

It is normal for your desires to be different now that you are pregnant. Changing hormones make some women to experience an increased sex drive during pregnancy. But others may not be as interested in sex as they were before they became pregnant.

As much as sex is important in a marriage relationship especially in a new union, it is important for your husband to know that sex is not the relationship alone. Sex, as a final act of commitment, is a powerful statement of love that deepens marital commitment and rekindles excitement and it is designed to exist within certain boundaries. A normal husband should be more caring than threatening when his wife is pregnant with their child. Every act of sex outside of marriage cheapens both sex and marriage. If there is a need for him to stay off sex for some times during your pregnancy, I think he should happily do that. This is not as if he is to abstain from basic life necessities, such as eating, drinking or breathing. Sex is something everyone can abstain from—it is a strong desire, yes, but never a necessity.

She feels I am not big enough down there 

My wife has contemptuously and disdainfully compared my sexual prowess to the size of my penis. It is becoming unbearable even after contemplating some crazy stuff just to sexually satisfy my wife, she just believes I am not big enough for her.

 Okon Evan

One of the reasons many ladies behave this way may be because the man kept the size of the penis as a secret while they were in courtship. Many ladies are of the opinion that if they were aware of the actual size of their fiancé penis, they would have been prepared for the eventuality. However this notwithstanding, penis size should not be mistakenly equated with sexual prowess, but in our culture or all over, the reverse has been the case. Interestingly, this mistake is made by men more often than by the women in their lives. It will be interesting to know that the vagina is a very elastic environment through which a baby can pass, yet it’s one that easily retains a tampon. In other words, it tightly accommodates whatever it surrounds.  So the size is more of a mind-set myth than a reality. Second, about three-quarters of women don’t reach orgasm by penetrative sex alone, no matter the size of the inserting object, either as big as the head of a baby size or as small as the index finger; many of these women still prefer direct clitoral stimulation.

For instance, if your wife can experiment with several dildos of different sizes and insert them while she is blindfolded, she might actually not be able to detect the difference between five and seven inches. If that be the case try talking her into the fact that you are equal to her sexual demands and prove it with every other penis aids.

 Question six

What does it mean to be a sexual long woman?

I am a Nigerian engaged to be married to an Ugandan man. Things went on smoothly until recently when he said his people would disapprove of our marriage until I become a ‘Long Woman.’ I try to make him explain the meaning of a ‘long woman but he insists I should seek interpretation from sex councilors. Please I am  lost. What does it mean to be a ‘long woman?’

Jenifer Monsoon

In Uganda, ‘long woman’ simply means a lady that has undergone a clitoris pull.

 This is a procedure whereby a lady has to undergo a process of pulling of the clitoris daily by an elderly woman called a ‘Sengai’.  The clitoris is pulled daily till it gradually stretches out and increases in size to at least three inches or more sometimes. Traditionally, it is said to give more pleasure to both husband and wife during sexual union. When the clitoris is long, it does not only increase the arousal of the woman and help her to achieve a better and pleasant orgasm, it also rubs on the man’s penis each time he is thrusting in and out. Many men ascertain that it gives then untold sexual pleasure. Besides, it also constitutes a toy for the man while engaging in foreplay. Many Ugandan men prefer a woman whose clitoris has undergone the pulling because these women easily get aroused and men do not have to go through the rigour of helping the wife to get in the mood.  The long clitoris helps women to get wet on time. Maybe the family of the man just wants you to know what goes on in the family and since you are going to be a part of them, you should also be part of the tradition; there is no big deal. But there have been cases where the clitoris would be so long to the extent of constituting a nuisance during normal vaginal delivery and sometimes, it may be so long and can even enter the baby’s eyes during child birth

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