Marry someone like yourself

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Time and time again, I come across people who complain that they are not compatible with their spouse or the person they are dating. The funny thing about this is that many of them knew there were things about this person they could barely stand or even hated but still went ahead with the relationship. To what end? Why end up with a person you are not okay with and you know will cause you to have serious regrets along the line? What kind of person wants to have that kind of punishment in life?

To be clear, there is no way two people can be in a relationship and not have issues. This is a given and no one is exempted from it. Two people in a relationship will always have different opinions, which could become a big issue in the relationship and even lead to fights sometimes. That is human nature. We cannot escape this. As I often tell people, if we have disagreements and fights with regular friends and family members who know us better than anyone else and have been around us all our life, so to speak, how then won’t we have the same differences and fights with people whom we did not have such a deep relationship with. Most especially when you consider that some of these people did not grow up in the same area we did and do not necessarily have the same circle of friends, values and upbringing we have. That is a recipe for disaster if not managed properly. We end up being frustrated and angry most times, if not always.

In their complaints, people tell me the weirdest of things. I hear men say for example that they wanted a quiet wife meanwhile theirs is talkative or at least talks too much for their liking. Some say their wife dresses in a particular way that does not appeal to them and it makes them angry or uncomfortable. Ladies also have their own complaints. Some say their husband does not earn the kind of money they like/want or that he does not socialise or maybe he does it but not in the way they like. Others say they would have preferred a man who sits at home with them.

None of these things and others like it are necessarily issues in themselves unless taken to the extreme. But they are things that trouble people and sadly, some people are stuck with people they have complaints about. Frankly speaking, it is a lot harder to make changes in one’s life, character and routine when married than in the single or dating stage. Not impossible but difficult all the same. This is why it is important for people to marry their kind.

By this statement I mean, while we know there will be challenges and issues that arise as the relationship progresses, it would be wise that one ends up with someone who shares their kind of values and views. This is very essential. There is a tendency for people to think I am saying that you must marry someone exactly like yourself – not true. In fact if you do that there is a high risk of being bored after a while. It does not mean it will always be that but when you are with someone like yourself; there is little room for excitement and adventure. Our differences, regardless of who we are makes life interesting and worth living.

 People need to be comfortable with whom they end up with and this means that they need to have the right kind of connection with that person. You need to have some basics in common. It could be your religion, morals, character and so much more, but there has to be a common ground. The sad thing is some people see that there are things they do not like and will have issues with down the line but they say nothing because the desire to date and marry is more important to them than being happily married. They value the ring and the status of being married than having a fulfilling marriage.

Then we also have another group that gets married and then tries to make their spouse to become what they want; they do this by coercion and manipulation. Neither works, you end up with an unhappy union. When this happens it does not lead to anything good for the couple. This is why we have men for example who all of sudden want their wives to stop wearing trousers or makeup, or to start doing all that, even though their wives used to (or never used to) do all that before got married. Likewise we have ladies who try to make their husbands dress and act even in a certain way, even if it makes their husband unhappy.

It would make more sense to have these conversations ahead of time and settle them. Of course it helps to have a spouse who is willing to listen and make some changes but to expect a total overhaul after agreeing to have this person in your life as is unrealistic. You are better off not starting the journey with them at all.

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